Christmas Eve…At home alone :-(

 This is the first Christmas in the U.S I’m at home alone. Last Christmas, I had a good time with friends, going around to see people decorating their houses, sparkling lights along local roads…This Noel, just me and …my laptop. My house is empty. Other housemates and roommates went back their home countries or visited their relatives here. Sometimes I feel jealous with them, cause they can enjoy family atmospheres, while I’m always alone… When I was very young, my parents were too busy at work and didn’t have much time for me even though they loved me so much. I was alone, learning by myself at school, at home and dealing with life difficulties by myself too. When I graduated from universities, I was still alone in a 3 storey-house. I went to work at day and returned home at night, cooked for myself and had dinner with my own. Then I just stayed in one room of one storey, leaving others in the dark. Many people asked me whether I felt scared when living like that. I told them “No” cause I was familiar with such a life. I didn’t want a lonely life but I couldn’t find anyone who could share his life with me. Couldn’t find anyone. There was a time I thought I found someone, but I was wrong. He always left me alone. My life didn’t change anything since I knew him. That was the past story. My life later in the U.S has been different. I have had much more friends here than I did in my country. However, loneliness always goes with me. It has become a habit when I gradually withdraw from many friend gathering occasions. I understand it  has been my nature and directed my life to loneliness world. I can change, but I haven’t tried to change because I wonder whether I’m still feel lonely even though I’m in the middle of friends. Mostly it is a “yes”…

Deep in my heart is there still a desire to find my second half to help me escape a thick loneliness layer covering my life, but it is too difficult, and too far…Life is so busy, people take it as an excuse not to care each other…

Only me in the room. Complete Silence. Around. No people talk. Just hearing the breath of the Christmas Eve – Cold and Distant.

I know the new year is coming and my heart is full of worries. Worries for my unclear future. And I have to make decisions alone. As usual.

Anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS, MY FRIENDS!!!